


i won't let go

by Mongo00



Series: holding on (to life) [3]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Gen, POV First Person, POV Josh Dun, friendship "bump"
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 09:48:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13408674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mongo00/pseuds/Mongo00
Summary: It hurts. It hurts when there’s a road bump in a friendship that means so much to you. It hurts when you don’t know what to do. It hurts when you don’t know how the other one is doing.





	i won't let go

Tyler and I are best friends. Actually, best friends would be an understatement. Tyler is the reason I live. Tyler knows basically everything about me, and I feel closer to him than I feel to any other of my friends (even though we’ve never met in real life).

We met about six months ago while bonding over our favorite band. Our friendship eventually made it to text, and we became best friends. 

Tyler is an amazing person. He has a great personality and always made me smile. 

Then we figured out that we were two broken people with problems and we bonded over that. We helped each other out during depressive episodes and panic attacks. Tyler was just getting over his worst time and I was just starting mine when we met. Tyler helped me overcome that.

We used to text all the time; we FaceTimed like there was no tomorrow, and I loved every second of it. Tyler made me happy; Tyler was my hope. 

But something happened, and now there’s a bump in our friendship. It’s our first one, and I hate it. 

It hurts. It hurts when there’s a road bump in a friendship that means so much to you. It hurts when you don’t know what to do. It hurts when you don’t know how the other one is doing.

I decided to give him some space, but I’m petrified. We haven’t texted for a day, and it’s killing me. I’m not attached, no. It’s killing me because I don’t know if he’s okay or if our friendship is okay.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Tyler for the whole day. I wore the bracelets that he gave me, and of course our friendship bracelet that I have on 24/7.

I care about him so much and I fear the possible outcomes. I fear that something bad might happen, and I won’t be there to support him through it.

I know that both of us are not currently in the best headspace, and that I can’t support him as much as I’d like to while I battle my own demons, but I want him to know a few things. I want him to know that there is always hope. Even when it doesn’t seem like it, there is always a reason to keep living. I want him to know that he is loved and that people care about him. I want him to know that he isn’t alone. I want him to know that the bad feelings are temporary and that we will beat them together. 

I’m scared that Tyler thinks that he isn’t loved or that I gave up on him. I did not give up on him. Let me repeat that: I did not give up on him. And I never will. 

I’m riding this fine line between texting Tyler again and giving him some space. I don’t know what to do. I want him to know that I care about him, so, so much, but I don’t know how.

I’m scared that I’ll screw this up more than I already am. I’m scared that I’m overreacting and overreading this whole situation. For all I know, Tyler could be totally fine and not even think that this is a situation; nevertheless, know that I’m being buried alive with anxiety from this roadbump. 

I’m scared that I lost his trust, but I need him to know that I did it because I care about him. Because I don’t want him dead and that I’ll do anything in my power to make sure of that. 

I want him to know that if he needs time, I’m all for it. I want him to know that I’ll be here no matter what, that I’m always here for him. Always. 

I miss texting and FaceTiming. I miss talking. I miss having Tyler sing to me.

Yes, it’s been one day. Yes, I may be completely overreacting. Yes, Tyler might be living his life not even thinking about me. In that case, I’m so happy for him. Really. If he’s happy, I’m happy. It’s cliche and cheesy, but I mean it. If Tyler is happy without me, I’m all for it. I just want him to be happy because he deserves to be. Tyler deserves to be happy because he is the best person I’ve ever met, and I’m so glad to be able to call him my best friend. 

I won’t be overdramatic and say that this bump is killing me, but I will say that this bump hurts more than anything else. It feels like I lost a piece of me. I’m so close to cutting once again, but I know Tyler wouldn’t want me to, so I won’t. I don’t want to disappoint Tyler. I don’t want to hurt Tyler, and I fear that I have. 

I need him to know that I did it out of love. I did it because I care about him. I did it because I need him to stay alive. 

I don’t want him to feel guilty. I hope that if he reads this that he won’t feel guilty. That’s the last thing I want him to feel. He shouldn’t feel at fault for this at all; it’s all my feelings and he can’t control that. He did nothing wrong. He did nothing wrong.

I want him to know that I love him with all my heart and that I care about him. 

I don’t want him to be scared to reach out to me again, and I want him to know that I’m not mad at him. I won’t hold a grudge because I understand his side of the story. I want things to go back to the way things were. 

I need him to know how much I care about him. 

I miss him so much and it hurts.

**Author's Note:**

> I love you "Tyler," more than you'll ever know <333


End file.
